Afraid to Believe
by anotherweasley
Summary: Peggy's afraid to believe.


Afraid To Believe 

By:  Olivia

Authors Note:  I haven't actually seen the Pilot episode, but if I remember correctly from sites I've been on, Peggy talks about her husband's death as stated in the story.  I did see the episode "Condemned" though. So I apologize if there are any inconsistencies.  If there are please attribute them to the author's overactive imaginationJ

I look out the window of my office.  Declan's words to me earlier echo in my ears and in my heart.

"After all we've seen Peg…why won't you believe?"

The words were not spoken out of anger or even frustration.  Every word contained sadness.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him I am afraid to believe.  I am afraid to believe.  I am afraid to believe that miracles do exist.  I'm afraid to look beyond my husband's death as merely a horrible mistake made by a drunken teenager with motor vehicle.  I'm afraid to ask God why he brought my husband out of a coma for a brief span of time only to rip him away from me.  Where was my miracle?  

The truth is part of me is still angry with God and yet without all this pain, without the loss of my husband would I still be following Declan on his investigations into miraculous phenomena?  They say when God shuts a door he opens a window.  Is Declan my window?

So he drags me on these investigations.  Okay, I allow myself to be dragged.  It's the same song and dance.  He comes up with crazy notions and I disagree.  It is a coincidence I argue.  Or there's a logical explanation I argue.  He plays the believer while I play the skeptic.  These roles are familiar to us, comfortable somehow.  

It is these investigations that draw Miranda, Declan, and I together, but it is our friendship that keeps us together.  They are my best friends.  They are not afraid to believe.  If the event cannot be explained after they have questioned and probed and looked at it from every conceivable angle, they are ready to believe.  

And yet here I stand the voice of reason, of objectivity, of disbelief.  I don't let them drag me in completely because I'm afraid to loss my objectivity, to lose control, to believe that maybe God had a purpose in taking my husband away, and that maybe his returning to consciousness for a short time was God's way of trying to give me a chance to say good-bye.  Maybe my prayers for my husband's health went unanswered for reasons I am too scared to contemplate.  But Miranda and Declan are not afraid to look beyond, to ask the unanswerable questions.

Declan and I passionately voice our difference of opinions at times, but the quiet way with which he spoke those words mere moments ago have cut my very soul.

Declan suddenly comes into view below as he heads to his truck in the parking lot.  I can tell he senses something as he turns to look at my window before getting into his truck.  I put my hand up to the glass and try to smile at him below.  I am unable to tell if he can even see me with the sunlight hitting the glass window.  But he does.  He smiles and motions for me to join him.  

There are no hard feelings between us.  He knows that I hesitate to believe.  He will wait because he truly cares about me as much as I do him.  In one sense he enjoys our roles of skeptic and believer.  But somehow I know that even if I never believe he really wouldn't care.  He only wants me to be happy.  It's the journey that's important, but more importantly it's the people who share the journey that make the journey worthwhile.

So I nod my head and get my jacket and head down to meet Declan at his truck.  We'll pick up Miranda and investigate our next case trying to prove our theory-that miracles do exist.

The End

"Doggett:  Then why'd you shoot him?

Scully:  Because it's what the boy saw.  And in an instant I realized it's what Mulder who have seen or understood.  Because that's just how he came at things…without judgment and without prejudice and with an open mind that I am just not capable of."-The X-Files-"Badlaa"

"Doggett:  You worked with Agent Mulder how long?  A long time.

Scully:  Mm-hmm.

Doggett:  You never believe in any of this stuff, this paranormal whatever you call it.  So, what change your mind?

Scully:  I realized it was me, that I was afraid.  Afraid to believe."-The X-Files-"Empedocles"


End file.
